Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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