There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
