I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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