I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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