true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Randomize