May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
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