opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
two words...techno handjob
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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