it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
