Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
