Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
