Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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