Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
