watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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