he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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