I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
