it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Randomize
