I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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