I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
