$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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