My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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