The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Randomize
