yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
