How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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