He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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