Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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