dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
