She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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