Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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