dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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