she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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