You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize