My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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