You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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