Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize