two words: eviction party
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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