idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
someone get that fucking seahorse.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Randomize
