Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
