i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Your penis caused this!
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
