I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
