Moan for me like Helen Keller
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
