singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
