I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
