Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
