we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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