I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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