I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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