First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize