Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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