i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize