you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
