Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
