I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Dignity is for republicans.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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