I wish I could punch you in the face.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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