Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I am full of burrito and curiosity
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
