I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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