I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
