girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize