i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You smell like a Billy Joel song
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
