The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
