dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
