I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
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