The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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