Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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