It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
