and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
