I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
