Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
